The Antiquities of my Imminent Wandering

After all,
I came to realize my very existence..
I really appreciate your kindness..
I never thought someone came to believe in me,
someone who can understand…At first, I was confused..
never even know what was my purpose at all
but you were there.
you made me realize that life has another chance.you listen to the things i kept..

Hindi pa kita nakakausap. Nakita lang kita nung isang linggo pero hindi mo ako nakita noon. Nakasakay kasi ako sa kotse namin ng gabing yun eh. Nadaanan namin yung bahay mo. Nakita kita noon, naka-itim na t-shirt ka pa nga eh. Kasama mo yung mga kaibigan mo wari bang may gusto kayong makita sa gitna ng madilim na gabi.  

Pagkatapos, noong May 31 pinadala mo sa akin ito? Sorry, pero ngayon ko lang nabasa to. Hindi ko maintindihan ang sinasabi mo. Sana mali ako sa iniisip ko dahil paano na kung totoo yun? Wala na ako sa tabi mo para samahan ka. Hindi katulad nung nasa high school pa tayo.

Baka huli na ako para sabihin ito sa’yo. Pero nag-promise ka sa akin di ba? Ilang taon na ang nakakaraan? Na hinding hindi ka na babalik doon? Dahil alam mo sa sarili mo kung ano rin ang pinagdaanan ko dahil doon. Alam mo kung ano yung efforts ko pati yung lahat ng hirap ko mawala ka lang sa kanila. Tapos ganito? Hindi kaya masasaktan ako kapag ginawa mo yun?

Mag-usap na lang tayo. Yun eh kung andito ka pa sa Pilipinas. Pati ba naman ikaw iiwanan ako? Sobra na yata.

Hindi ka masaya dun. Dahil kung masaya ka, hindi mo dapat pinagsisisihan at iniiyakan yung unang beses na naranasan mo sa kanila. Dapat nga diba, natuwa ka pa. Kaso hindi eh. Nakapasok ka nga, pero hindi ka naman masaya.

Sige umalis ka. Pero hinding hindi ka magiging masaya.

Wish ko lang, sana makapag-usap pa rin tayo. I wish we can still fix this.

-girly.

* * *

 Karl is a dear friend of mine. Someone who is very close to my heart since high school. He might be misunderstood by many but is a treasure to see his real personality in a very rare manner. He is a precious find. We never became lovers because he knows me very well. I cannot accept his offer when we were still 15. It just couldn’t be. But heck, I’m so grateful to still have him with me by my side because he really is a true friend. Even after those rocky ways we had to endure.

My nerves really want to get out of my head because of some virtual people I found in the Internet. They have been bashing too much of Someone. Even if we pointed out that theirs is a kind of bashing, they bounce back in the manner they call as DEBATE. Which in its very core meaning, theirs will never be one.

 How can you call it one where they site the link or worse copy-paste everything from the site they’ve been referring to and post it in front of your face (through the monitor of course) as if they are the most genius of experts ever to walked on Earth.

 We explain by our hearts and not by the sites (on which is copy-pasted). They come to you as if they know everything but really, they don’t.

 They can’t even get the facts right. I wonder if their resources really are reliable for all of those to see.

 They can’t just get you out of their hands if you stand still and firm to your principles. They’ve been trying to destroy Someone’s reputation but really, they don’t know everything.

 They are like DEMENTORS OF YOUR SOUL.

 They speak as if they experienced the whole thing but how reliable is it to just ask an experienced friend about something? I mean, how can you trust someone’s information knowing that those data are to be used for a debate? And that friend can have the option to either remain or enhance the truth as he goes on with his story, right?

Of course, not everything are to be experienced but the one I’m talking about is an exemption to the rule.

 Damn. My mind is itching to work against them. All I want is to speak rather than to rant all that I have in here. You know that I am a Child of One of the Muses, right?

 Rule of thumb: YOU CAN DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE.

 You should, of course, know what you’re talking about. I want to really rummage on you one by one.

 Say, let’s take the debate out of the Internet and do it in person. Where will you get your sources by then? There will be no biased articles, no ready essays to copy and paste, et cetera. In real life and in real debate, only you yourself, your so-called bright minds and your cues are present in its very form.

 And what will be left of you? I wonder.

 I mean, not everyone is well-versed and articulated in everything. EVERYONE has flaws and innocence, too. You know it, right? You solemnly do know about it. But in your case, you make it a point that you appear so intelligent to everyone ignorant that surrounds you and they clap and praise and “worship” you like the slaves from the Old Times. And everytime they praise you, your ears would clap too and you will promise to yourself that you will make something better next time to not disappoint your slaves.

On the contrary, you know what wise men do when they know and encountered foolish men like you? THEY SHUT UP. You know why? Because they cannot get anything good from you. Your words will not be of good to them. They know what’s right and what’s wrong. And lambasting many a people is one thing they would always try to avoid.

But if and only if you insisted to try to talk to them, the wise men will ignore you and you will be put to shame. They rather chop woods for the night than to speak to you, fools.

This is what I advise you to do: Find people who are in the same level as yours and not to attack some who you can easily grudge. This kind of action only proves that you are indeed a FOOL in making people miserable, ill-witted, and angry.

You attack people inferior to you because for all you know, their actions will submit to your side as if by your power of hypnosis.

Only one thing will I leave to you: Find people who are as well-versed as you in your respective field and be their opponent and they will gladly and whole-heartedly comply to your foolishness.

“HUMILITY IS WHAT WISE MEN DESIRE WHEREAS FAME IS FOR THE FOOLS.”

- This is a girl who puts fire on her side and will burn you to shame,

GIRLY.

PS: I will always be ready to face you and to conquer you. Do not tell me your wife was one because for all you know, she has never been one of those who understands. Just like you.

You sort of exaggerating all the things you know. Mukha ka na tuloy tanga. Akala mo ang galing galing mo. But it boils down to one thing, YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING.

Nobody said that it would hurt so bad… so how do I deal without you?

I’m losing hope. You know I’ve tried hard to let you love me. As in really love me. At first, I thought there’s no chance to be with you and be happy with you. But you gave me the very essential thing that I ever need. ENCOURAGEMENT. And so, I did pursue in loving you. Then a little bit more. Slowly, I do not dictate myself anymore because I’ve learned to automatically think of you. I’m falling hard for you day by day. And it felt good.

But loving you was not enough. I have to endure the consequences in doing what I did. And it hurts me. Because i can’t do anything about it and YOU cannot do anything about it. Only time will tell. Only time.

If fate will bring us together forever, I won’t let you go ever again. I hope you do hold on to me, too, the way we want it to be. Or, the way I just want it to be.

I only have a week or so and I’m ready to leave. I guess, I’m not ready for it. I’m not for you. And I can feel that.

WE’ve gone through so much together since the very first day we’ve met. I was even hesitant to let you in but you persisted. And now, here I am, begging for you to please accept me again just like you did when you told me you do want me to stay.

I only have a week or so and then I will leave. Only you can stop me from leaving. Because… if I fail this time, I’d rather go and be gone for a moment’s time. Not because I want to but because I have to. And I literally want to go out of the city. Out, out, out where I can be alone and start a new life without you.

So, if this is really goodbye, I want us to have a friendly separation, St. Luke’s College of Nursing.

-Wandering,

girly.

I realized, you need not have something to be so happy. You just have to be contented in what you have.

My very first ex texted me one quote when he found out I’ve broken up with Marco. So much that I became teary-eyed with that text. (By the way, this was in 2nd week of March)

“You do not need to have the best things in life to be happy. Sometimes, the things that you take for granted is what actually makes you feel happy. Be happy!“

Aww… thanks, Romeo. Sana ok ka na din dun sa problems mo na two weeks ka nang di nakakatulog.

Ok. So maybe, you’re confusing yourself. What the heck, you said you dont have a phone and now, you’re telling me you’re texting?

 Hey, hey. Easy. It’s true. I dont have my phone, my own number and everything. What the heck, I dont even want to have and use a cellphone. I’m using a spare phone and numbers, you know. And only THE FRIENDS know it. Sorry. It’s something I grew tired of. And cellphones keep you in danger. Always. You know, the snatch and hold-up things? Ayoko ng ganun. Next time na lang ako magtetelepono kung nasa ibang bansa na’ko nagtatrabaho.

 You know what my obsession really is? I can leave without a phone but I want to live forever with a camera. hahaha.

* * *

 I’ll post pix soon!